Thursday, December 14, 2006

 

Ow! My Eye!

If you MUST use an umbrella on a crowded street please remember that by its very design IT’S WIDER THAN YOU. Plan accordingly.

For those who insist on using their golf umbrella while navigating the mean city streets, guess what? There’s a special room in Hell for you where you’ll stand under a stream of dripping water while Satan’s henchmen poke you in the eye. For Eternity.

You know where it’s a good idea to use a golf umbrella? On a golf course.

# posted by Unknown @ 10:03 AM 0 comments

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

 

Temporary Insanity


Friend in Need: Hey Erin, I'm having a hard time finding a job. Any suggestions?

Me: Oh, you should temp. Totally! It's such a great way to make some quick money or get an "in" with a big company.

FiN: Oh, thanks! What a great idea. You're awesome.

I've had that conversation tens of times and you know what? I've had a change of heart. I think when I gave that advice, I was comforted by the notion that I would no longer need to heed it. No more humiliating arithmetic quizzes or typing tests for me! No more sitting in a tiny conference room with a perfectly groomed Barbie doll who thinks you're about to dedicate your life to data entry and receptionism, right?

Uh...wrong. Going a few months without finding my dream job* eventually forced me to realize it was time to get out my #2 pencil, swallow my pride, and run the temp agency circuit. I've taken the requisite math tests, software tests, typing tests, spelling tests, and even took a math-in-Spanish test. (I guess that particular agency didn't realize that the numeros look the same in both languages.)

So now I'm temping here at a state agency. Wannabe lawyers submit their entire life histories to the admissions department and the truly dubious files eventually make their way to me. I write a report summarizing their sordid pasts and send it on to a committee, which ultimately decides their fate. I've seen boob-touchers, drug users, drug pushers, bad check writers, fake lawsuit filers, and approximately a million DUI's. And all but one of these losers will probably make it through. Come on - no way they can let in fake lawsuit guy. As temp jobs go, it's not the worst ever (Noon - 8pm data entry gig from late 1994, I'm talking to you!) But it is horribly boring dragging myself here becomes more painful with each passing day.

Generally speaking, a temp job is not where you're going to do your hardest work what with all the internet surfing, job-hunting, re-arranging of desk items, more interneting and, um...blogging. (I struggle to remember what in the hell we did back in the early 90's before the Internets came along. Did we talk on the phone? Not work, surely. I recall a lot of time spent in the massage chair at Sharper Image, but eight hours a day? It's a mystery.)

Anyway, here not working has become a bit of an art form. And not just by me. Being state employees, these people are coddled so much that half of them just rock back and forth in their cubicles sucking their thumbs. They read, they have craft fairs, they give a largely disproportionate number of them construction helmets and safety vests and call them "Floor Wardens" and then have drills ten times a day, they decorate for the holidays according to the "Holiday Decoration Guidelines" set forth in an agency-wide email, and they rush to the elevator beginning around 4:45.


For those who care, the Decorating Guidelines state that the trunk of a cut, decorated tree must be immersed in at least two inches of water at all times and that this Friday there will be inspections of all decorated areas. By, one assumes, PAID staff who could surely be inspecting something more pertinent to State business.

The rule begs a question, though. Do people actually put up Christmas trees at WORK? Really?

Of course, no where in the memo does it say that all decorating shall be done before or after work hours or during one's lunch break. I really need to find a way to take a picture of the Winter Fuckin' Wonderland that's currently being erected down the hall from me on the California Taxpayers' collective dime. Insanity!

Maybe my change of heart over the advantages of temping is based solely on this one gig. Fine, the money's OK, but the chance to have an "in" here, even if it was presented to me, seems a fate worse than death. Or maybe the turnaround is a cumulative effect. Maybe it's the cumulus clouds. Who knows. Either way, I'm ready to really, truly put the temping portion of my life behind me. NOW!


*Dream job? That's crap, of course. Dream job = NO job. Let's be honest here.


# posted by Unknown @ 3:44 PM 0 comments

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